alt_umbridge | A few teensy reminders

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A few teensy reminders

Dear children -

I know you are all apparently quite excited to depart on your little holidays, but there are a few teensy considerations before you go.

You are, of course, expected to behave at home with the same sense of discipline, self-control, and maturity that I expect of you here at school. Don't think I won't learn of it should you misbehave or fail your obligations as proper young witches and wizards in our larger community.

Hogwarts Junior Council members, please pick up your membership and service badges so you may proudly wear them at home and tell your parents about how you are helping make your dear school the very best and most perfected it can possibly be. And of course, I'm sure you'll alert me should there be any little things that come up while you're gone, that I should be aware of. You are models for your classmates.

Mr Fred and George Weasley: kindly report to my office at 7:30 tomorrow morning: I have a little request of you while you are home over the holidays. I need to know why you persist in sharing a journal.

Miss Hydra Lestrange, kindly report to my office at your convenience before you return home for the holidays. You are not in any trouble at all, dear, but I have a few teensy things I'd like to learn more about.

Mr Neville Longbottom, I remain displeased with the delay in the full planting of the Memorial Garden. I am certain that you can find some way to plant fall plants in April if you only apply yourself the teensiest bit. Honestly. I expect a revised Memorial Garden schedule upon your return from hols, for dedication this school year.

Miss Megan Jones, my dear, I do hope everything is in order. Do let me know if I need to assist with any additional little arrangements.

Finally, parents, should you wish some ideas and plans to keep your children focused, disciplined, and aligned with the larger goals of the school and our glorious Protectorate, materials are available from the Education office on request. (They have graciously agreed to handle the matter, since I will be back and forth at various appointments through the next two weeks.)

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Oh, I can plant them now, Ma'am. But only some of them.

And it'd probably double your budget. I thought you wanted to avoid that?

Why on earth is that? I need to know.

Really, Mr Longbottom, has no one ever trained you to properly answer a concern or question by providing all the relevant information?

Because more than half of those autumn plants you can't obtain now because nurseries don't carry them. Because they know perfectly well that if you stick them in the ground now, they'll die, so what's the point?

So you'll have to buy the plants all over again in the autumn to plant them then. Which is what doubles your budget.

If you want me to plant the ones I can obtain now, I would be more than happy to do so. I'm sure that planting them and ripping the dead seedlings out in June will be excellent exercise.

Well, that is extremely unfortunate.

In that case, I would like very much to have a plan that will produce the optimally presentable garden suitable for dedication this spring, and then a supplemental plan for later plantings. After all, we want this to be splendid now and splendid later.

I'm sure you will have something ready at the end of holidays, in keeping with our budget, though I suppose we could arrange some supplemental - aren't there plants that just bloom for a season? Inexpensively.

I'm supposed to be studying for O.W.L.s! Not redrawing garden plans for the tenth time.

I'm tempted to tell her that sure, I can get a bunch of blooming flowers, REALLY inexpensively.

And then sow the entire garden with weeds.

Dandelions are very colourful, for example.

Then transfigure them all pink.

She'll love it!

I have a couple of herbology books for you to peruse if you like, with lists of flowers for you to choose from. Lots of colourful pictures.

And they're each about a THOUSAND PAGES LONG. Hope they'll keep you up all night.

How inexpensive is inexpensive, exactly? Do you want the budget by year, or broken down by the expected life span of the plant? (Perennials are more expensive up front, but less expensive if you consider you don't have to replant them every spring for ten years.)

And there's different levels of plants in the garden design. How would you like me to lay out the options for you?

Do you want the supplemental plantings broken out in separate spreadsheets? Annotated by nursery? Some are more expensive than others, BUT less hardy if they have to be sent from further distances, or, well, some nurseries just have better reputations for providing dependable and disease-free plants. How do you want that accounted for?

Do you want the transparency overlays which show how the garden changes month by month? The charms have to be re-set if planting is pushed back from the ideal schedule due to weather, of course.

I can't believe I'm volunteering for extra work for this STUPID PROJECT.

I know. Maybe I can help you on those overlays? I'm not bad at drawing, and I've got more time than you do.

Just think of Dad saying 'chin up, kiddo.'

We'll get a chance to see them over hols.

And I know you're frustrated, but you're letting it show, Pete. To Her, I mean. So be careful.

Thanks. I would appreciate the help.

Yeah, I can't wait to see them.

And yeah, I'll be careful. But this is part of that 'white noise campaign.' Throw a bunch of stuff at her, act helpless, and bury her in having to make decisions.

Oh, I know. And you're being brilliant about it. But you're also coming off a bit tetchy, which, you know, anyone would be.

I'm just saying be careful. That's all.

I'll smile every time I see her.

Hopefully, she won't notice the gritted teeth.

Another possible variation might be the quality of soil used. If you want to plant immediately, we don't have enough compost in the compost heap in the greenhouses (because they need it for class projects and the kitchen gardens that provide food for the school), so you would probably have to order it. There would be gradations in quality, and that would give you at least three different levels of budget to choose from.

Some of the rarer plants IF you want to include them require special additives (dragon dung, vampire blood meal, etcetera). If you want them to thrive, that is. Of course, you COULD plant them, and add the additives later, with the NEXT budget cycle. And then hope that they survive until then. If they die, you could re-plant with something less expensive, but then you wouldn't need the additives after all.

You could try to scavenge the materials for the raised beds rather than order it. Perhaps there's some lumber in some of the castle attics? Of course, you don't know how the wood has been treated, and some it might rot. Or you could find stone and dig it up. That would add to the time you need to get everything into the ground, of course.

These are just a few of the concerns with adjusting the design or varying the budget, of course.

I SWEAR, I WILL KEEP THROWING STUFF IN HERE UNTIL O.W.L.S ARE OVER JUST TO CONFUSE THINGS.

Oh, Helga's staff.

Are you trying to be difficult, Mr Longbottom? Honestly, most of those questions seem entirely illogical to me. You had best come by and talk before you leave for break, and we will come to some determination.

I do, however, want to know the reasoning for each and every decision you make, and have a proper list of alternatives available should there be any need for later discussion.

You shall have them, ma'am.

I shall bury you in detail.

What the bleeding heck?

Efficiency.

We thought you liked efficiency, Madam Headmistress?

I really would advise against baiting her.

She's crossed the line from annoying to flat out infuriating.

Oh, I don't doubt it in the least.

But the Order requires the same thing from you that she's demanding, the same thing that Dad had to have all the time, actually. (Oh, the irony.)

Discipline.

Gents, watch your backs. She is dangerous.

It cannot possibly be more efficient for you to use the same journal, and at any rate, it is entirely out of step with Our Lord's plans for their use.

7:30 tomorrow morning. Promptly.

Yes, ma'am.

Septima, Horace, my dears -

I just wanted to alert you to a teensy little thing. This afternoon, I discovered that Miss Perks was supplying Mr Capper with - well, she referred to it as a potion.

Regrettably - as it might have resolve quite a few other difficulties - it is not (really, Horace, can you not teach them to be more precise? Or keep Miss Perks under better control and more aware of her proper place?) It was a silly little blend of completely ordinary herbs, I did the analysis myself.

At any rate, I'm sure you'll be glad to know about the punishments. Septima, dear, I've cast one of those little revision charms on Stephen. Nothing too damaging, just to remind him of the potential consequences of failure. Not that he needs further incentive, I'm sure.

Horace, I expect and require that you will prohibit Miss Perks from brewing any potions in either your class or your supervised sessions from now until at least the end of her OWL exams. She will just have to manage, and learn from her little tendency to attempt to be of more help than she is suited to.

Dolores, thank you, of course, for your diligence in pursuing any hint of rule-breaking within our walls.

I have, as a matter of fact, discussed the day's events fully with Miss Perks and there seems to have been a misunderstanding. She did not supply Capper with a potion at all, but a tisane, which she informed him was a potion to calm him. Really, after what happened to his brother it's entirely understandable that he has been overwrought in preparation for his examinations.

Speaking of which.... Dolores, am I to understand that you informed Capper that his brother died in the camps? My dear, far be it from me to tell you how to address delicate matters like that but, are you sure that was quite the right approach? I hardly think he needed something to unsettle him further.

But back to the issue of Miss Perks: As I say, she had no potion in her possession, never brewed anything out of order, and was only indulging in a little well-intentioned subterfuge to assist a classmate. And I've every reason to believe she might have succeeded, had things gone differently.

Surely, banning her from brewing potions under my supervision is unnecessary? I'd consider it a personal favour if you would reconsider and allow her to recommence in-class and supervised brewing once we return from Easter holidays.

Your admiring colleague,

HEF Slughorn
Master Potioneer

Horace,

Really, are you suggesting that I don't know how best to motivate and encourage the students? Better to be brisk and forthright about the consequences of less than the very best work, I think. Clearly.

I'm equally surprised you're questioning my punishment, but since you request it, I will consider whether something else might be even more appropriate. Perhaps it's as well that we've a little time before implementing whatever it is I choose.

Not at all, Dolores, not at all. I was merely not aware that you had all the facts at your disposal. Children do have a way of confusing the issues at hand, as I'm sure you've encountered. And of course, it's important to remember that they are not adults, fully capable of comprehending both the nature of their transgressions and the implications of their actions.

I'm certain that you are more than capable of devising retribution that shall never lose its impact, my dear. In fact, I'm sure that the lessons you are teaching this year rival the most indelible of impressions our current students have ever known. I merely would have thought you would praise Miss Perks' ingenuity in devising a solution for her classmate that broke none of the school's rules and eased the way for both him and our diligent Prefects. And the Junior Councillors, of course.

Nor do I think Septima would disagree that Mr Capper has every reason to worry, but no reason to fear, if you see the difference, and she, I am sure, would appreciate a more gentle demeanour toward one of her charges who must perforce remind her unpleasantly of his brother, too abruptly taken from this world.

Our job is to teach, not to terrorise. Professors of the past have lost sight of that fact, to their detriment. I value your presence too much, Dolores, to say nothing when it seems you might be allowing your natural desire for order overrule your sensible acceptance of the fact that perfection is unattainable. Miss Perks is not a model student but she is clever and does a good job. Mr Capper is doing his best to overcome his nerves and remember that he does have a head on his shoulders. Neither of them pose a threat to the school, to their classmates, or even to our glorious Protectorate.

My advice--and my dear, it is only advice, culled from six decades of experience--is that you waste no further time worrying about them, or many of the other minor offenders who need only a polite reminder to behave and gladly reform themselves. You have far more important things to do. Leave the usual maintenance of order to Septima, myself, Antosha and the others. Focus on those tasks which absolutely require your personal attention.

-Horace

Honestly, Horace, did you think I would not manage to ascertain the details before making a decision?

Now, to take your points in order, of course they are not adults. But they must be prepared - fully and realistically prepared - to be of service in the world as soon as they leave school. This school has been lax in far too many ways for far too long. Oh, I suppose Minerva (at least at the beginning) was a far better choice than that horrible Dumbledore. But her lack of self-control and discipline has tainted the students and on the staff over the years.

You know as well as I do that the school has fallen behind what it could be under more capable hands - hands I am glad to provide, no matter the amount of effort or toil required. It is not about me of course, but about what I can make of the school. Far too much requires my personal attention, because far too many of the staff here have made it clear that their values are not truly aligned in the best interests of the school.

You suggest that I leave matters of discipline to you and to Septima? Truly, Horace, I am surprised at you! And Antonin - goodness. He's been here less than a year, how can he possibly have the faintest idea of what's best for the school? It's not as if his previous work has given him much of an idea of how to be a real guide to more than his favoured few.

On that note, I find your advocacy for Miss Perks entirely unfathomable. I must know why it is you are so persistent in her service! After all, she's a halfblood. Even were she to do brilliantly on her OWLs or even her NEWTs, you know as well as I that there are almost no positions that would hire her that would require those skills. I cannot imagine why you - or a number of others - think it is remotely appropriate to encourage the poor dear things to expectations beyond their station. Bad blood will tell, you know. The more compassionate out there may not blame the things for their parentage, but they won't make space for them, either, when there are so many deserving others of better breeding and proven magical potential and stability.

Now, I am glad we have the holidays to gather ourselves for the last portion of the term. I'm sure that when we return, it will be much simpler to achieve our mutual goals. And of course, I am thinking most seriously about what changes in staffing I wish to propose to the Board once we reach the summer. I may have been persuaded to avoid other mid-year shifts unless they become entirely unnecessary, but I can only see before me the great work of shaping this castle into what it should be.

And I am equally surprised at you, Dolores. Heightening the standards of discipline is all very well but what you are suggesting is actively stacking the odds against certain students merely because you believe they will amount to nothing in their lives. That is well outside the scope of our charge, as you ought to know from your years of liaison with the Education office. Miss Perks may have few prospects but there is no reason to ensure her failure--particularly when the consequences to her or any other halfblood are so grievous.

As for your 'staffing changes.' Let us presume you are not attempting to threaten me. While it would pain me to leave the students in the lurch, particularly when it seems evident that they need more assistance than ever, I assure you, it would pass after a few weeks' relaxation and the monthly pension awaiting me after sixty years of investment. I'm sure Our Lord would not begrudge His old teacher and Head of House a quiet seaside retirement, no matter what power you think you may have to arrange it otherwise.

It is not your right to choose who succeeds and who fails, Dolores. Not so long as the students make the effort in good faith to learn their lessons.

Are you sure the strain of the tasks you have set is not too much? Perhaps it is you who need a rest even more than the pupils.

Gentlemen -

I am looking forward to our little planning meetings. Now, I'll be looking forward to our chat on Monday, and then the actual committee meetings on Tuesday.

I'm quite certain we won't need Wednesday, I'm sure it was just that Sizzie was so very inefficient at how she handled things. It can't possibly take that long to arrange everything since it's been going for years now. So perhaps the three of us might meet then.

Now, there are just a few teensy budget questions, and I suppose we really ought to include Bagnold on those. Honestly, I keep finding places for greater efficiency here - the food budget is down so substantially, even just since I put my plans into place, but the YPL budget has been rather more stubborn. I can't imagine why.

Do let me know if there are other things I should have prepared for discussion when we meet. I'm sure you will.

Everything is coming along nicely, Madam Umbridge, and things are arranged exactly as you requested. I will keep everything neat and tidy and ready for use.

I'm so grateful that you will be letting me stay over hols and help out. Thank you so very much. I promise to work hard.

Also, I alphabetised your incentive pins. I hope that's all right. You didn't say I could. But it seemed like it might be all right.

Why, thank you, Miss Jones. That is just exactly the kind of work I thought you might be suited for. How very attentive of you to do it with such good grace.

Now, once the others leave tomorrow morning, you and I should have a teensy little chat about the projects you can help with. I will have some meetings early next week that will take me away from dear Hogwarts, but I'm sure we will just have to make the best of that.

I'm glad it was all right to do that. If you like, I could polish them sometimes. I have experience polishing things.

Tomorrow morning I will be ready whenever you call me for the chat. I'll go to sleep soon so that I'll be rested. It's not like I have to pack for hols tonight. So I will just do a little more revising and then go to sleep. So I'll be ready for everything you want me to help with.

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A few teensy reminders

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I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up to No Good

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I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up to No Good

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I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up to No Good

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I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up to No Good

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I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up to No Good

Order Only

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Private message to Septima Vector and Horace Slughorn

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Private message to Marston Strangeweale and Latimer Caldwell

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